E39 - I thought I'd be further ahead by now

Four years into self-employment, almost two years of this podcast... and instead of feeling settled, I’ve been sitting with a lot of mixed emotions.

In this birthday reflection episode, I talk honestly about the thought many of us carry: “I should be further ahead by now.” I reflect on academic conditioning, linear timelines, grief around identity shifts, motherhood and building a business in “hard mode,” and the pressure to measure ourselves by standards that were never designed for our lives.

This episode is a somewhat rambling, vulnerable pause before we move into upcoming conversations about non-linear and so-called “alternative” career paths out of academia. It’s about redefining success, following curiosity instead of hustle, and learning to sit with uncertainty without immediately trying to fix it.

If you’re feeling behind, conflicted, or pulled between wanting more and honouring where you are, I’m right there with you, and I hope you feel less alone after listening to this birthday reflection.

Let's hang out! 🎙️ Follow Moms, Mats, and Manuscripts for more conversations on academia, motherhood, and mindful living. And if this episode sparked something in you, don't forget to like and share the podcast so that more people can join our coffee-fueled chats! 

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Transcript

Speaker 0:12

Right. Welcome to Moms, Mats and Manuscripts. Another little solo intermission before we jump into our interviews that are I planned for this for this year, for the next couple of months. I don't have a plan for today. So it's going to be a little bit rambly, a little bit disorganized, but hopefully very vulnerable, very honest. Because it is the birthday week for me. Not my birthday, but the birthday of or anniversary of me officially becoming self-employed. It is four years now. And also around this time, it's going to be two years, it's almost two years of this podcast. And so I'm sitting with a lot of mixed and conflicting feelings. On one hand, I'm really happy, I'm really proud of myself. I'm proud of these conversations that we've been having on the podcast. I'm happy and proud of all the events I've hosted and things that I've done and classes that I taught, conversations that I've had with people. I have been loving it. I found so much joy and so much fulfillment in my work. On the other hand, there is a lot of this, oh, I wish I could be further by now. I should be further by now. What even is further ahead? You know, what is this imaginary vague metric that I'm comparing myself to? And there is a lot of, yeah, this kind of dissatisfaction with where I'm at and thinking that maybe I should hustle more. And um, you know, you probably you probably are very familiar with this thought. And I'm not the one who is who's very into whether Western or Eastern astrology, but somehow this year I really resonate with what is being said about the Chinese uh horoscope and Chinese Year of the Snake and Year of the Horse. So 2025 was Year of the Snake, and it's still going because the next year only starts on the 17th of February, I think, somewhere, somewhere close. And Year of the Snake is like about shedding the skin, all the identities and everything, all the emotions and feelings that are coming with that. And I've been feeling it, and it's been tough. It's been a lot of grief, it's been a lot of trying to cling on to old things and old identities. And no, I don't want to let it go because it's kind of comfortable and safe, and you know, we are not wired to look for happiness and create sort of we crave happiness, but the brain is not wired to take us there. Instead, it's going to take us to comfort and safety, even though sometimes comfort and safety in our nervous system might mean that we are desperately unhappy. That's counterintuitive, but it is sort of the case in in a lot of situations. And so for me, I think that has been showing up as grief, as uh grieving my academic identity, even though it's been years since I left academia, and it's been about kind of catching myself thinking, you know, what if I go back to it, what if maybe I should go back to it. It doesn't help that my parents constantly pester me about that. But yeah, I've I have been catching myself thinking about it and thinking that maybe it's kind of easier to give up and just not continue because even the business side of things have been like really, really difficult, really slow, and I have been feeling confused and conflicted. Like, what do I want to do? Do I still feel aligned with what I started this as and so on? Birthdays do tend to bring this up, no? Even like our birthdays come sometimes with a lot of these reflections and a lot of these weird feelings. So, as I mentioned, further ahead, or this kind of imaginary idea of where I should be by now and where I'm not is so vague. It's so I don't even know who I'm comparing myself to, and why am I comparing myself to somebody who may have been in business for decades, or may have been in business without having children, or may have been in business with a huge starting capital that allowed them more safety and security and like feeling okay, I got it. Even if you know things fail, I don't need to like worry about it. I'm safe so I can feel free to explore and so on. I should not be comparing myself to like my day one to somebody's day 100. And at the same time, I should not be comparing myself or treating myself with the same measurement stick, with the same standards that I had back in academia because it's a completely different situation, completely different environment. But I do feel like you leave academia, you sort of bring it with you because the academic conditioning, and in part it's probably also my upbringing and my just my personality, but then you bring all of that into the mix, including the academic conditioning, and it is in a lot of ways holding me back, and in a lot of ways, also academia and like the training that I've received there or the skills that I've got that I've developed there, they are helping. But a lot of these things, a lot of this perfectionism, this fear of making a mistake, um, yeah, like fearing failed experiments, it is holding me back. And it is so sneaky and so persistent. And you know, I thought I left it behind six years ago almost, and it's still showing up and it's still affecting me in a way that I, you know, sometimes I don't even notice. It's just such a part of me by now that I don't even notice it often. And another thing is that academia kind of exists on very linear timelines and linear progression, and it teaches you or conditions you to believe that you study, you get your degrees, then you get a position in the lab, a PhD position, a postdoc, a professorship, and you know, it's all very nice linear progression. But as we all know, obviously it doesn't happen like that with a lot of people. And I that's why I've had this several interviews with people about alternative career paths, and then one of my guests corrected me and saying, say, said that this is not an alternative path, this is the path, because an alternative is staying in academia, much less people actually stay, and because there's just not not enough positions for everybody, but also not a lot of people want to continue there, and the the alternative path is the path, and then there is a whole wide variety of of other things and other jobs and other stuff that people are doing outside of academia, which is a topic for another discussion, but it is the path. So then our conversations turned into a like discussion of nonlinear journeys and shifts in identity and shifts in our definitions of success. And I think I really resonated with a lot of the things that those guests of mine said, and it is hopefully going to be very interesting also for you, whether or not you are still in academia or considering the alternative quote-unquote path, or feeling confused, feeling unsure, feeling like maybe also your identity is undergoing some shifts, some changes in this in this season, be it because of the year of the snake ending, or just because of something personal going on for you, some endings, some new beginnings, like degrees, jobs, I don't know, relationships, something happening for you that is marking this sort of transition and this shift in your in your identity and how you're feeling about yourself and your life. But of course, this four years also came with a lot of beauty and a lot of as I mentioned at the beginning, a lot of fulfillment, and I do feel like I am in the right place. I do things that are exactly the right things for me. And moreover, obviously, I'm doing it in a in a hard mode, since I've also, apart from building a business, I've also been building a whole human being from scratch and then keeping him alive and entertained, hopefully, a little bit. And it is not easy, and I I keep seeing a lot of this uh posts on social media about how Stephen Bartlett, the host of the Diary of CEO podcast, uh, he Stephen Bartlett doesn't wipe butts and so on. The messaging is kind of always the same. And I mean it's kind of true that he doesn't, and he doesn't really know, and a lot of these people don't really know what it's like to build a business when there is other responsibilities, when you have another job, when you have caretaker responsibilities or something else in the mix that makes it extra, extra difficult. And I've had these conversations also with one of my business mentors in the past when I was kind of complaining and whining about how difficult it is that I don't have time even for myself, and I don't have time for the business, and I feel so frustrated that I cannot find the time for the business because of my child, because he doesn't sleep very well or doesn't sleep at all and requires a lot of my time and a lot of my attention. And she, bless her heart, was saying that, oh, you can always, you know, if you want to, you can always find the time. You can wake up before your child, laughable. Uh, you can maybe go to sleep a bit later, also laughable. Uh, and then, you know, she doesn't, she didn't have children at the time, and now she's pregnant. And I am a horrible human being for that. But the thought of now you will see what it's like did cross my mind, and like I don't want to think, you know, karma will get her for this advice, but I wish that she has the best, the calmest, the most stress-free pregnancy and and postpartum period. But um, it is very difficult to also get advice from people that don't know what it's like to uh to build a business or do anything really in life with other things in the mix, with caretaking and children, or maybe you know, aging parents, or somebody sick in the household that you need to take care of and things like that. But obviously, this hard mode does bring a lot of value as well because I feel like the productivity is is very different, the time management is very different, different. Like if I need to do something, I am going to do it because I know that my time is very limited, and if I have it, I appreciate it. And then if I don't have it, it's getting very frustrating, but it's part of it. And definitely it did teach me rudely, but it did teach me to slow down and to treat myself with compassion, even more so than academia ever did, or my experience with getting sick and living academia. Because, yeah, in in this case, and specifically with my child who has very low sleep needs, and there is more hours of just active parenting every day. It did teach me to slow down and to think about my body and my health first. I have not always been, you know, very good at it, even throughout these years of motherhood, but this year in particular, I decided that okay, you know, this year is the year and I am going to really treat myself much better than I used to and prioritize my health, my fitness, my uh my sleep instead of prioritizing always work and business. And you know, obviously then you don't hustle as hard. You don't spend so much time, I don't know, not sleeping and uh working on your computer or on your phone, and it it's okay. In the end, I think it's okay because this is again something that will come in the future interviews. It is something that is more aligned with me, more aligned with my values, and with how I want to be feeling, how I want to be living my life. And it's not in line with advice from Stephen Bartlett or whoever, you know, another male CEO. It's because their lives are different, and again, I cannot compare myself to them, I cannot compare them to me, and it's it's very, very different. So, you know, their advice does not fully apply to me. You know, you can take something that resonates, something that can make sense for your life circumstances, and leave the rest out, and it's fine. But somehow it, you know, it does sound very like it's not profound what I'm saying at all. But somehow it does feel like such a revelation when you allow yourself to not take this advice, and you're like, yeah, you know, this this doesn't sound right. I don't have to follow that. I I'm just going to take what's what I need and leave the rest out, and it's fine. It doesn't have to be like a complete package. Somehow it was always, again, maybe you know, conditioning from academia, maybe my upbringing, but somehow I always treated that as kind of gospel. And you know, if somebody says you have to do it this way, I think, okay, you know, I have to do it this way. Maybe, you know, the need for lab protocols, the need for listening to your supervisor and thinking, okay, I have to do exactly how my supervisor says, don't know. But it does feel like, yeah, it played some role. And finally, I think it's also something that I mentioned, and it's also something that has been coming up with my interviews with my guests, is that I am following joy, I'm following my curiosity both with my business and with the podcast, for example. I'm following what makes me feel really curious. I'm learning a lot. I am really surprisingly enjoying, for example, in terms of the podcast, I'm surprisingly enjoying talking to people and learning about them, learning about their life stories. And it's for now, it's fascinating, and it is enough for me to just follow that and follow the enjoyment and this fascination and the curiosity of trying to learn something new, trying to bring something that is useful, that is helpful, that is inspiring to the podcast and also to my work. So it does again, maybe doesn't seem like much for my brain who or that wants to have more concrete benchmarks and milestones and kind of achievements that are more concrete and graspable, that I can grasp better. But I am trying to sit with that and tell myself that this is enough, that I'm just enjoying it, I'm I'm loving it, and it is already a lot more than I could have ever imagined, and a lot more than a lot of people have in their lives and in their jobs. Like they many people hate what they're doing and they feel like they have to do it anyway. And I am so privileged to be able to say, okay, I am going to follow my joy. And this is, I'm I appreciate that there is privilege in that, and obviously, like while I can, I'm going to follow that and and let that be enough. So yeah, if you are also feeling like you're behind in life in some way or the other, if you're also feeling a little bit conflicted, confused, like you want more, but at the same time, you want to honor where you are. If you are feeling the energies of the end of the year of snake, and you are kind of feeling like you're being pulled apart in all these different directions, you want to stay the same, but you want to change, you want to grow, but it also doesn't feel very safe and doesn't feel very comfortable. If you are feeling a little bit of this push and pull and the inner turmoil, I'm with you. I'm right there where you are. And I just wanted to leave you with the thought that you know, behind is doesn't mean anything. If our paths are not linear, it doesn't mean that they are wrong in any way. We cannot really compare ourselves to anybody because nobody has this exact set of circumstances and values and desires and dreams and you know everything we can only compare ourselves to us in the past, but that's also not always fair to ourselves now. And obviously we are allowed to want more, but at the same time we do need to be more honest and compassionate with recognizing where we are and what unique circumstances are at play in our journey and what makes what makes it unique, what makes it so what makes it special, because again, you know, not everybody is dealing with the same challenges and is is coming out on the other side of these challenges with as much grace as you are or I am. So yeah, whenever these thoughts are coming up, I invite you to notice them and try not to fight them. And you know, think about it as first of all, this is just thoughts. They are not necessarily truths, they're not necessarily something that you need to immediately act upon. As you know, in yoga, there is this idea that you are not your thoughts, you are the one who is thinking them. So there is kind of another layer of you that is thinking the thoughts, and the thoughts are not the not the highest layer of your of your being. So it is useful for me, at least it's very useful to remember and to be like, okay, you know, this is not, this is just something, this is biochemical processes, electrical impulses in my brain, this is not me as in all-encompassing me, and it's not something that I need to immediately believe and jump into action for. So if my thoughts are saying, you are so lazy and you are not doing enough, and you are not where you want to be, and you are this and that and the other, just thoughts. I know I'm not all of these things. These are just thoughts, and it's fine. Like you can sit with it, you can allow them to kind of go through these loops and come to a conclusion, and that's it, you know. That's that's enough. You don't need to necessarily believe them and immediately act upon them. And another thing is obviously also useful to notice and to remember whose voice is that that is telling you all these things. And if you catch yourself, you know, talking to yourself the way maybe your parent did, or some teacher, or your PhD supervisor or something, if you recognize the the patterns, the vo the words, the specific words that this inner voice is using, again, it does help to kind of put a little bit of distance between you and those thoughts and say, okay, this is again, this is not me. This is this other person whose conditioning, whose upbringing, whose conversations I'm just bringing up in my head now. And yeah, I mean, sometimes this inner voice wants the best for you, but it's doing it in a way that is not very helpful, and it again helps to remember that that you know it's it's trying to maybe protect you, keep you safe, but it's it's it is misguided. It's not doing necessarily what's best for you, it's keeping you safe again, and safety does not necessarily equate to happiness. Yeah, as I said, no plan. Just came onto here to go through my emotions, just to talk about what I'm feeling with the the whirlwind of thoughts again in my head, and you know, if any of that resonates, if any of that feels like, oh god, I'm I've been feeling the same or I am feeling the same right now, let me know. You know, talk to me, let's chat because I think it's so common, but we don't really necessarily share these these feelings, they're not seen as something, you know, okay to share. We're more prone to want to be like seen as as put together and successful in some way, and uh successful people don't have this conflict in their conflicts and confusing thoughts. They do, but so. So I do think that more vulnerability, more honesty about this is important. So if you have this, if you are feeling conflicted, let's talk about it. Just send me a message. And yeah, I think this is a segue, good enough segue into the conversations about this non-linear or alternative academic careers or non-academic careers that I've had with some of my guests. And yeah, these interviews are gonna come up next. And then I also have a very exciting interview about motherhood in and around academia, which also kind of falls into both categories: both motherhood and the alternative career paths. I am excited. I I hope that you get a lot of really useful, really interesting stuff from both or all three of these uh interviews that are coming up. And then I will keep you updated on where we're going next. I think that's enough rambling for today. Thank you for joining me for my morning cup of coffee. I really appreciate you being here. I really appreciate every single one of you who's listening, who's letting me know that they've listened, putting comments or sending me messages saying, hey, I did listen to your episode and I loved it. Thank you so so much. I'm doing this for you and for my own joy and for my own curiosity as well. And I'll see you here next time. Bye.