S3E11 - You can't fail at rest: a solo reflection on letting go of "perfect" self-care

Do you ever feel like rest and self-care have become just another task on your never-ending to-do list? In this solo episode, Ksenia wraps up her 3-part series on rest and slowing down. She shares why so many of us turn self-care into another chore, why hustle culture and perfectionism convince us that we can “fail” at rest, and what that mindset is really costing us.

From holidays that feel like assignments to meditation routines that become another checklist item, Ksenia explores the importance of reclaiming rest as something light, joyful, and deeply restorative and not another productivity hack, and shares a few practical strategies to help you recharge in a way that works for *you* with no guilt.

✨ Free resource: If switching off feels hard, get my Leave Your Work at Work mini-bundle - a private podcast pep talk + short guided meditation to help you rest without guilt here subscribepage.io/leaveworkatworktraining

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Hello and welcome to this next episode of Mom's Semester Manuscripts. Today's episode is the conclusion of our three-episode arc or series of solo casts, solo episodes with me, where I talked about rest, I talked about Thank you so much. to take off and I want to talk about why I think that happens what is the cost of it why it's not good obviously and then also some practical ways how we can try to push back how we can try to um unplug from this mindset of thinking that, yeah, this is just another thing to tick off or this is a protocol that I have to kind of run through because if I don't, it means something about me. This is my second attempt at recording this because the first one was a few days ago when we just came back from vacation. My brain was not working properly. It still was in vacation mode, still was at the seaside. So I'm trying again because I realized that I Actually, it's faster if I re-record, if I set everything up and record again, instead of trying to piece together multiple bits and multiple trains of thought that at that point were not really coherent and therefore are not really editable into one full episode. Let's see how today goes because I haven't had much sleep and I'm not sure my brain is functioning, but... It is what it is. We have to keep going. I'm also recording from my bed because, well, my office and my teaching and podcast recording space has been finally, after two years, converted into my son's bedroom. Yay! So I now have to be creative and I have to find other spaces around the house where I can kind of tidy up quickly and work for a little while. Again, it is what it is and we keep going. On we go. So rest is a chore and rest is just something to tick off your to-do list. I want to start with a little personal confession or personal anecdote. I do that I notice that in myself a lot I specifically thought about it because I was doing it a lot on this vacation and actually like I tend to do that on vacation a lot I tend to go on holidays or go to some new locations with a plan in mind and especially if it's something some place where I've never been to before then I have sites and museums and whatever that I would like to see and if it's for example a place where I've been to before or I used to live like happened with Paris for instance and then I go there again with my husband I want to show him everything I want to show him where I used to like the streets I used to roam and the places I used to frequent and love and all that and I get annoyed if things don't go according to my plan in case of going to the seaside which happened this year or just now I also go with a plan and my plan includes swimming a lot I love swimming and especially salty water like here in Vienna we have Danube but that's not the same for me I prefer sea I prefer ocean well no ocean is too cold for my taste but I love sea okay salty water just kind of heals everything fixes everything that is broken in my life and I need that at least once a year I need to get a lot of swimming in the sea in and this year we are coming to our location and we realized that it's very windy it's very wavy and every day it's either red flag or yellow flag and it's quite unpleasant like the water is super warm and super nice but it's just not the same for me and when it's red flag you cannot really go into the water like it was unpleasant it was not exactly the same I didn't get enough quote-unquote swimming I didn't get the kind of swimming the kind of like very peaceful very chill swimming far away that I really like and a few days in I started feeling like I failed at this holiday I failed at resting properly I'm not holidaying or I'm not resting as I should be doing somehow or as I should have been doing And it made me feel really upset. It made me feel annoyed and frustrated. And I feel like I did ruin a few days of my own holidays. And I did ruin a few days of my family's holidays because I was complaining all the time. But this like conditions, weather conditions is not something that I could have predicted. It's not something that I could do anything about. I couldn't change anything. So it's just now that I think about it, it's quite ridiculous that I was so upset about it and that I that this fact made me feel a certain type of way and you know it made me feel like I failed like I'm failing at holidays it's funny but this is where my brain was going and I feel like this is not just you know this is not my uniquely my thing or this is not something that's just happening on vacation but often we we have a plan and we we We try to stick to it. We try to, let's say, maintain consistency or create a new habit. Let's imagine, for example, you want to meditate every morning and then you try, you try, you try, you try to stick to it and then life happens and you skip a morning or you skip a few and then you get upset because what's it mean about me? You know, I'm inconsistent. I failed. I couldn't even do that. I didn't complete this. I didn't... set this habit or create this this ritual for myself and that's it i failed so i'm not even going to continue i'm not going to pick this up again because you know that's it i'm a failure so we kind of make it mean something about ourselves and if it comes to habits that are or rituals that are meant to be restful that are meant to be restorative recharging for us so not necessarily meditation but something else reading setting setting your phone a before bed, doing, I don't know, legs up the wall pose in the evening before going to sleep, something, anything, you know. Often this kind of guilt stripping is defeating the purpose because if we're trying to do it feeling like we failed already by default or feeling like we're not resting properly or maybe we're doing something else to try to rest but we think that this is not it, that this is not what we should be doing. It's not restorative, right? It's preventing us from accessing this really deep and recharging state that, you know, as with my holidays, like if I had spent two weeks guilt-free, worry-free, just relaxing, just soaking it all in and enjoying what I had, I would probably be much more recharged. I would probably feel much more energized and creative and focused right now and instead you know we have what we have why I think that happens is part of the reason I do think that We have hustle culture at fault here. So the same hustle culture that is saying that you shouldn't be resting and like rest is for the week and have you earned your rest, by the way? You haven't even done everything. You haven't completed everything on your to-do list. The same hustle culture is then going to kind of blame us for not doing the rest, the proper rest, quote unquote, and the rest the way we should do it or self-care the way we should do it. And the wellness industry is a little bit at fault here because we were bombarded with the messages that your self-care should look a certain way it should have certain goals like if you are self-caring in a way that is not making you healthier or smarter or younger not adding to your longevity or whatever then it's incorrect you know if you're resting by watching Netflix for example occasionally then you know you are a failure That's it. This is the wrong type of rest. This is the wrong way to take care of yourself, which is obviously not the case. Of course, we want to not always rest in a way that is maybe a bit unhealthy or a bit self-destructive, but sometimes these things are allowed to happen and we don't always need to... rest in a way or care for ourselves in a way that accomplishes a myriad of other goals like getting smarter getting fitter and yada yada yada we are allowed to do just something that is fun for us such as something that is light and light and enjoyable and something that we love and it doesn't have to have a mere like this other other meaning so hustle culture wellness industry a little bit at fault here in my in my mind and then I do think that people that are working in certain careers or that have been living in certain environments so academics scientists hello have maybe a bit of a higher tendency for that because everything is to be optimized everything is to be perfected and you are used to questioning the validity of things and questioning or troubleshooting your experiments so everything becomes a little bit of a thing to troubleshoot and optimize and you probably if you are in this career if you are in this line of work and also by being in this line of work you are probably getting a bit more perfectionistic than you naturally are and this perfectionist mindset is already also affecting this because you know you have to do everything perfectly including your rest and self-care again you know something that's This mindset is something to question. It's something that you shouldn't just take at face value. And all that might turn activities that are beneficial, definitely, like, let's say, meditation or regular yoga practice, it might turn it into a chore. It might turn it into something that is just, I still have to do this. And it might mean that... There is an extra obstacle for you to practice these things and for you to actually do your self-care and for actually resting. And if you are doing this, but you are still filled with guilt and filled with doubt and filled with worry that you're not doing it properly or you are not... You're not doing it the right way. You're failing. It does not make your rest, your self-care activity. What's the word I'm looking for? It doesn't make it fully beneficial because it comes with a side of this guilt and this anxiety. Am I doing this right? Am I failing at this? It doesn't make your rest restorative. And as I said before, it defeats the purpose. So it does cost us our time it does cost us our proper recharging balancing rest and in the end we when we treat these activities and these habits and these rituals like like a chore like just something to to tick off ultimately I feel like it's adding up a little bit to our road to burnout it's kind of paving the road to burnout a bit more right and self-care are supposed to be sustainable, they're supposed to be pleasant, and they are supposed to make you feel better and not provide more pressure and more anxiety and more guilt. Like, leave that to work. There's enough of that already. So yeah, I think this is a disease of our time a little bit, but also if you are in specific career paths, if you are in specific jobs, then maybe it also adds to the pressure. and you are more inclined to treat even that even your own free time as as an assignment as a protocol that you have to run through in a specific way as something that you need to optimize and troubleshoot and something that is meant to make you more productive smarter and better at your work and The purpose for me today is to remind you that this is not a productivity hack and this is not something that you need to do a certain way. This is not something that there is a protocol for or it's not something that you can fail at. And your rest and self-care is allowed to be light and joyful and playful and something that you enjoy in this moment, in this season, because of course we not the same every day we're not the same in all seasons of our lives we don't need the same things always and we are allowed to choose and be flexible with how we rest and how we take care of ourselves depending on these various other factors like it doesn't have to be you know the same checklist the same rest and self-care checklist we kind of touched upon it in an episode with synaptic sylvie and she mentioned that if she has this rest and self-care checklist and she feels like yeah her her meditations or certain activities like i don't know taking a bath but not is becoming a chore she feels it becoming a chore that's how she knows that there is more more stress and more like negative stress in her life and she needs to kind of pull back a little bit and chill because then you know that becomes kind of a snowball it becomes this vicious cycle that you know it's even stressing her out more and that's I really resonate with that you know I also feel that if I'm noticing this in myself that's probably a sign that I'm already stressed and that's this actions this making my rest and self-care into a checklist into a routine and making it mean something about me if I don't do them this makes me even more stressed that doesn't allow me to recharge more stress is coming and you know a vicious cycle that is not easy to get out of let's discuss some small ways that you might try to help yourself to pull back and get out of the cycle right I probably talk about it in every other episode if not every episode but micro moments two minutes or maybe even 30 seconds of rest that is guilt-free anxiety-free free of the thoughts that you are failing or that you should be doing something else is going to be more beneficial for you than a half an hour of meditation or half an hour of, I don't know, something, some other practice, whatever it is, that is going to just fill you with guilt and fill you with the sinking feeling that you could have spent your time better. As I keep saying, it defeats the purpose. If you are spending half an hour full of worry, full of guilt, it's not going to be as restful as maybe two minutes there, 30 seconds here, maybe 10 minutes if you manage, but without this guilt and anxiety. Strategy number two is, again, something that I have been mentioning in this previous episodes on rest. And I will die on this hill, but white space. So one trap that we're falling into with rest and with turning it into a chore is is over structuring. coming up with a lot of ideas of what we need to be doing. So creating these habits, healthy, all amazing things like sports, going to the gym, going to yoga, meditating, doing this and that, skincare routine of 20 steps. So we over-structure our time and we don't leave any flexibility or we don't leave any time for play and for joy outside of this structured self-care. And this is where this heaviness and the guilt can come from because you are maybe you feel it deep inside that this is not exactly what you need in this moment but you already scheduled it scheduled it you already structured it you already think that this is what you should be doing and you don't have any more time for anything that is just open and free-flowing and then that creates this discord and and disconnect within you so leaving a little bit of white space again you don't need much you might need two minutes here five minutes there maybe 30 seconds maybe half an hour you know whatever you can manage depending on the season depending on your time depending on your schedule and sprinkle it throughout your day maybe or throughout your week and see how that changes like it's something that you don't plan anything for you don't schedule anything for you don't even think that okay in this white space chunk i'm going to do x y and z the time comes maybe you have an alarm maybe you have a reminder the time comes and you're like how do i feel in this moment what do i feel like doing in this moment maybe it's just closing your eyes and i don't know breathing deeply maybe it's going on a little walk maybe it's taking time to brew yourself a nice cup of coffee whatever it is but take time to to check in with yourself set some intention maybe connect with your body connect with your mind in in this moment? What do you need right now in this unstructured space? And then see how that changes the way you're resting, the way you are feeling afterwards. A strategy or more like consideration number three that I already mentioned is flexibility. Treating all your practices, all your habits, your rituals as something flexible and not rigid. So it is amazing when you are forming a habit to try to do it every day or at least not miss two days in a row You are establishing a new pathway in your brain. You are establishing a habit, but... I still think that it shouldn't be a source of constant anxiety and harsh criticism and beating yourself up and worrying that you haven't done something. So if you miss a day, if you miss two days, if you miss a week, try to see it as just, oh well, life happened. I'm gonna be flexible. I'm not gonna beat myself up. I'm not gonna talk smack to myself. I'm just going to pick it right back up so what i am usually inclined to do is immediately consider myself a failure and just never touch this habit again which is also not not good or other the opposite side of the of the coin could be you are just very very rigid and you are very um strict with yourself and you are just going to try to practice whatever it is that you want to practice every day no matter what what and Feeling guilty if you don't want to do it. Feeling guilty if you kind of half-ass it because you are just too exhausted. Feeling anxious or again making it mean something about yourself if you miss a day. That's the opposite side of the spectrum and that is also not good. So let's try to find something in the middle where we are flexible and with that flexibility hopefully we'll find a little kindness also with ourselves and a little more awareness and connection to what we need in the moment and in a similar vein strategy approach number four is compassionate check-in as I mentioned you know moment to moment we can ask ourselves what is something that would feel kind and loving to ourselves in this moment right now in this season and not what we should be doing you know we obviously we have different lives, different needs, different seasons of life. And I now, you know, being a mom to a two-year-old, I know that there are multiple things that I should be doing, but sometimes they are just not going to happen. And what's going to feel much kinder and much better and what's going to actually make me feel better and allow me to rest and recharge much better is not necessarily or not always what I should be doing. I'm not talking, obviously, about things that are my responsibilities towards my family or towards my child or something that kind of sustains life. But I think I should be, again, let's take an example of meditation. I think I should be meditating every morning for 15 minutes that's not going to happen i my child wakes up earlier than me and he is full of energy immediately in the morning and i cannot find 15 minutes to meditate at all right now and that's fine instead of beating myself up for this and wishing things were different and wishing i had him in kindergarten already or something is not going to change the situation it's not going to do anything so I might as well just be compassionate and remember that this is a season and things will change and I will have my 15 minutes of meditation every morning eventually not now and instead of worrying and instead of beating myself up I can think of what is going to be loving and kind to myself right now and the answer is going to be different day to day moment to moment but it is something that is going to help me rest better feel better and then show up better in my relationships in my motherhood in my work than if I was just focused on what I should be doing finally something that I did already mention but just bringing it all together rest should be joyful or can be joyful it can be playful it can be a hobby it can be something that just makes your heart and your soul light up and it's not a prescription it's not a protocol it's not something that you just need to run through and you know you have to allow it to be joyful and playful and light it doesn't always need to be very serious it doesn't always need to be super healthy it doesn't always need to be something that is having some other goals apart from just that just recharging your batteries So this is your reminder that you cannot fail at rest or self-care. There is no shoulds or there shouldn't be no shoulds. there shouldn't be any shoots when it comes to to that because this is what's best for you and you know that better than anybody else you know there is no prescription there is no rest police that is going to come and tell you you are not doing it the right way so let's all treat it a little bit lighter let's all try to find a bit more spark and sparkle in it instead of seeing it as some that is there to be earned or that is there to be ticked off the to-do list and then probably hopefully we will be a bit more relaxed we will be all collectively as a society a little bit more recharged and a little bit more pleasant to deal with a little bit more focused when it comes to work a little bit more creative and excited and present in all the areas of life, whether it's work or personal or family life, whatever it is. And I do believe that a more rested world will be a better world. If you are somebody who is struggling with this, who is struggling with feeling guilty, whether you are not working or whether you are resting and you are thinking that you're not doing it right, I will again leave your work at work mini bundle in the description underneath the video or in the show notes on Spotify and this is something that is again very very light like it's not a course it's not a task for you to do it's a private podcast episode sort of like a voice note from me to you and a guided meditation a very short guided meditation just about 10 minutes that is going to help you feel again a bit lighter and a bit less guilty and enjoy your rest without any anxiety or worry on the side so that you can feel restored and then come back to whatever it is that you need to come back to re-energized focused and present and we are going to leave this topic for now we're going to conclude the the series on rest and slowing down and confronting the hustle culture here but I'm sure that it's going to come up time and time again because i do think that this is very important whether we're talking about all things academia and science whether we're talking about motherhood us moms need this reminder that you know we are allowed to rest and we're actually going to be better moms if we rest and if we take time for ourselves i for sure need this reminder regularly daily that you know i'm going to be a better mother i'm going to be a better person better wife better partner better daughter if I am rested but that's true also for all the other areas you know you are going to just be better for it so let's let's just all go and relax and not feel any guilt or any worry about it I'm gonna leave you with this thought thank you so much for listening and stay with us because we're coming with more interesting conversations with more interesting interviews there's a lot of exciting things coming and Thank you again and I'll see you in the next episode.

UNKNOWN: 29:38

Bye!